Really, this poster is quite deceiving. Black and white, mid-run Clooney with gun in hand, set against an orangey graphic woman’s face. This is the literal opposite of the actual movie. There is nothing James Bondian about it. There is nothing fast-paced about it. Granted, hounding and some panting, but this one takes its time. And it definitely isn’t orange. It is black. Black and European to the point of being existentialist. This is a very European thriller. Dark Austrian, Norwegian maybe, definitely nordic by nature. Moody, but not French (thank God!). And absolutely not American.
Jack (George Clooney) plays an assassin, who hides out in Italy for one last assignment. He doesn’t hide out in some pretty, exotic, glossed-over replica of an American’s Tuscany version of Italy that is really the backlot of a Hollywood studio. No, it is actually Italy. And the other actors are really Italians. This might lead some of the un-initiated to believe that Bella Italia was purposely darkened and distorted. Clearly you have never been to Rimini.
It was strange to see George Clooney in a “European” movie. No self-respecting European casting director would have cast someone so handsome. And by the way, thanks for the gratuitous nudity. I so needed that.
Clearly Clooney sticks out like a sore thumb in this movie. But that is kind of the point. I know what it is like to be a semi-stranger, a stranger in a strange land. You cannot help but become involved and clash at the same time. And become ultimately paranoid. Granted, I am not a hitman. But I am looking for a job…
Director Anton Corbijn pays fantastic attention to detail. You can get it, if you want to. The visuals are impressive. The framing is perfect and gives everything added depth and meaning without words. Which is quite necessary, since the plot is untended and the dialogue is sparse.
So not American.
Grazie, Senior Clooney! Ho goduto della vista del vostro asino.
Directed by: Anton Corbijn
Written by: Rowan Joffe (screenplay), Martin Booth (novel)
Starring: George Clooney, Paolo Bonacelli, Violante Placido, Johan Leysen
Release dates:
September 1st 2010, USA
November 26th 201, UK
September 16th 2010, Germany
Wikipedia tells me that Narcissism is “the personality trait of egotism, vanity, conceit, or simple selfishness”. How refreshing. I hadn’t even had it boiled down to selfishness, but in the last couple of weeks it has become painfully evident, that its mildest form is something of an epidemic in this city of Angels. It is not that I fail to see the humor in this moniker or in someone gratuitously giving me the finger or waving other obvious hand gestures at me when they cut me in Nascar traffic. Why do people have to vent their suppressed anger behind a steering wheel? Yell at your kids or your wife or yourself in the mirror, I didn’t do anything! It is not my fault that you cannot gauge your feelings. I actually yelled “Idiots” at a bunch of drivers today, open window and close proximity and all. And let me tell you, road rage ain’t a fix. Neither is shopping or chocolate. You just take your miserable self with you, wherever you go. God, I wish I had one of those psyches that just drowns that stuff out. My defense mechanisms are all out of wack. I should not be driving.
I can understand that some people see a chance of an insurance windfall by just crossing the street whenever they feel like it, besides the obvious pleasure of pissing everyone else off whilst having their hearing aid turned down. And don’t get me started on reality tv. As fascinating as that is.
How anything ever gets done here is a complete mystery to me. Nobody listens!
Indeed, the fact that every now and then something spectacularly transcendent sprouts from right here is evidence of a divine power. And maybe that is exactly the reason why I fail to get a job in this town that is so blindsided. Insular, nepotistic and xenophobic, as someone rightly put it. I wouldn’t want 99,9% of the people I run into here near me as well. What happened that suddenly the highlight of my day is a conversation? Just a glimpse of a soul other than mine. I am terribly bad at conversing with projections. I get all awkward like I am in a contest that I am trying to lose. It makes me feel like I could be anything and nothing at the same time. Like I need the world to validate me while I barely hide my disdain that I harbor ultimately for myself. Like I don’t even exist. Or like I am in some B-movie with bad dialogue, bad accents, bad hair and bad direction. Hm.
The Killer inside me is the tale of Lou Ford (Casey Affleck), a West Texas deputy sheriff, who is slowly unmasked as a psychotic killer. He kills people to keep up his image. As easy as that sounds, it is really confusing (and the editing doesn’t help, it actually deflates the suspense). To boil it down, if you want to see Jessica Alba and Kate Hudson half-naked and see some blood splattering, this is your movie. Yes, that statement is painfully superficial. Well, if you can’t win em’, join ‘em, right? But sometimes playing and writing psychotic just isn’t enough. You have to think about your angle. If you don’t take control everything else will manipulate the hell out of you.
Oh, just shoot me now.
But like some old dude said in this movie: “Sometime it is lightest before the dark”. Yep.
Directed by: Michael Winterbottom
Written by: John Curran (screenplay), Jim Thompson (novel), Michael Winterbottom (writer)
Starring: Casey Affleck, Jessica Alba, Kate Hudson, Simon Baker, Ned Beatty
Release dates:
June 25th 2010, USA
June 8th 2010, UK
August 22nd 2010, Germany
Filed under: Movie Reviews
How does one not despair when movies like this get made and you find yourself struggling so damn hard to even find work? It always completely depresses me. It is not that The Switch is a bad movie, but it isn’t particularly good either. What stood out about it was that it felt forced beyond recognition and was only saved by its two outstanding supporting characters Goldblum and Lewis.
The story feels outdated: woman has biological clock so big Harold Lloyd is hanging off the minute hand. She wants to have a baby and cannot wait for the right guy to make her happy. She finds an excellent donor. Then her best friend finds out he has feelings for her and in a drunken stupor hijacks the pregnancy. Then they lose touch.
That is all good and well, but the storyline that the woman who happens to be a tv producer can just have a baby and then pause for seven years and come back to an even better job, well, that is downright fabulous. Not as in “fabulous, daaahhhling”, but as in Brothers Grimm storytelling.
But I think it illustrates what passes for a friendship these days. I think that the words “oh, he’s my best friend” amount to nothing at all. Look around you, how many people do you think you can truly rely upon? Who won’t do a roadrunner when you have an actual problem. Maybe it is because I am an insane and isolated organism in a crazy town, but people are incredibly self-involved. Self-involved but out of touch with themselves at the same time. It freaks me out. No one cares about anyone else. But I haven’t figured out why it is that no one really connects. I get a chance to listen in on conversations because I sit in restaurants by myself (I know, pathetic isn’t it) and what I hear is so incredibly ridiculous at times. It is like people give a detached recollection of a glossy version of themselves and their counterpart is only allowed to nod their head in supportive approval like that drinking bird apparatus until they can cut in and it is their turn. And then the other’s eye glaze over like Ban roll-on applicators until they snap back to make a valid point about the weather or Mel Gibson or Obama being a Muslim in order to digress back to themselves. But, you know, all in good and completely fake admiration. And whatever you do: do not show fear or even worse, desperation. It will kill. But, you know, I might sit at the next table and find it incredibly funny. So just keep talking. All the while basking in dangerous half-knowledge and tidbits collected from The View, Dave Letterman, the Colbert Report and Fox news. I wonder what would happen if people were forced to talk about what is really going on with them. If they suddenly had an epiphany-laden self-relevation about who they truly are, what the Heaven they are doing on this planet and what it is that truly makes them happy. I think it would be nothing short of spontaneous combustion.
Well, I can’t do constant name-dropping, talk about things that I haven’t the slighted clue about because I like to hear myself speak and drown out the silence for the rest of the time, dress the part and dangerously ever-estimate myself. I just can’t. That is probably why this town is ripping me apart. I am just not aggressive.
God, I could really use a friend right now.
Directed by: Josh Gordon and Will Speck
Written by: Allan Loeb (screenplay), Jeffrey Eugenides (short story)
Starring: Jennifer Aniston, Jason Bateman, Jeff Goldblum, Juliette Lewis, Thomas Robinson
Release dates:
August 20th 2010, USA
September 1st 2010, UK
November 11th 2010, Germany
Filed under: Movie Reviews
Since I wrote about Eat Pray Love, it is only fair to cross over to the other end of the hormone axis and explore the depths of that great uncharted territory of Testosterone Central that is The Expendables. The universe of unlimited ammunition, where men chop off each other’s extremities and seamlessly segway into knuckle-deep conversations about the bitches that hurt them, where everyone is always sweaty, no one gets left behind and the bad guys are bad and the good guys are friggin’ awesome.
Director/writer Sylvster Stallone unearthed a barrage of action stars for “The Expendables”, but they probably could have made another cast member out of all the excess skin that everyone shed at one point or another. Granted, it takes a lot of guts to write a scene in which Stallone says to Rourke: “You look good”. It is a bona fide plastic surgery nightmare with bare chest nontheless. Which is not helped by the unusually large number of extreme and completely gratuitous close-ups. (dear editor, I can only imagine what you went through!) The whole movie makes no sense, the plot is about as complicated as the maze on a McDonald’s Happy Meal box. But that is the point, I guess.
The Expendables has an antiquated feel to it at times, which makes it almost endearing. Probably not the emotion the marketing department desired, but then again, I am not really in the target group. When I watch movies like this, I secretly long for world peace. You know, the beauty pageant kind.
During all the explosions I found myself going through my grocery shopping list in my head, only pausing during slightly comical splatter elements. You know, just your typical heads blowing off and extremities being chopped off with buckets of blood that makes a girl pause the little hamster wheel of thought.
I guess The Expendables is to male stereotypes, what Eat Pray Love is to harborers of the estrogen. And neither is really satisfying. Can’t we all just get along and make good movies?
Directed by: Sylvester Stallone
Written by: Dave Callaham and Sylvester Stallone (screenplay), Dave Callaham (story)
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Arnold Schwarzenegger
Release dates:
August 13th 2010, USA
August 19th 2010, UK
August 26th 2010, Germany
Let’s face it, men can turn anything into a sexual fantasy. Changing a lightbulb or taking out the trash or a trip to the Museum. They don’t need a connection. Or, God forbid, candles. Or another person necessarily. Well, when someone else is involved, let’s just hope that this other person is you, girlfriend, and not Pamela Anderson.
One has to be surprised how anything gets done with men supposedly thinking about sex every 7 seconds. Actually paying attention and counting the seconds could potentially leave you despairing with mankind. “Would you like tits fries with that?”. Exhausting.
And it begs the question whether phallic shaped rockets get sent into space in order for someone to get laid. Or being able to enjoy porn. Both, very likely scenarios.
Porn unites men. And male sex drive is not directly proportionate to church attendance. From Hamburg to Islamabad to Los Angeles. Apparently.
“You know there’s nothing to jack off to on the Internet?”. This utterance made sometime in the 80s sparked a multi-million dollar enterprise. Wayne Beering (Giovanni Ribisi) and Buck Dolby (Gabriel Macht), two genius but moronic and deeply troubled men, invent the way to sell adult entertainment over the internet. Jack Harris (Luke Wilson) leaves his perfect family in Texas behind and gets the two out of the hands of the Russian mob. And in the process unknowingly and moreover unwillingly becomes one of the pioneers of internet commerce. Well, you try to do the right thing in a swirl of conmen, mobsters, drug addicts, 23 year old porn stars and the FBI. Morals and being the wealthiest business men ever don’t go together. A story that proves business is a lot like sex, getting in is easy, pulling out is hard.
Directed by: George Gallo
Written by: George Gallo and Andy Weiss
Starring: Luke Wilson, Giovanni Ribisi, Jacinda Barrett, James Caan, Gabriel Macht
Release dates:
August 6th 2010, USA
November 25th 2010, Germany
Filed under: Movie Reviews
Sometimes when you are most miserable, it is good to see a funny movie. In “The Other Guys” two mismatched New York City detectives seize an opportunity to step up. Only things don’t go as planned. Well, things didn’t go as planned here either.
I came to LA to be happy. Turns out I am more isolated here than I have been since, well, decades ago, when I was still a teenager and wallowing in self-doubt and diet plans. Is it such a crime to want to be happy just for one brief flickering moment in this otherwise achingly futile existence? I don’t want to hate this world again, I don’t want rejection and heartache. There are not enough veggie burgers in LA. But the sun helps. And I have to admit that the concept of the “born again virgin” made me laugh out loud. And this movie did, surprisingly.
I am amazed just how quickly things can fall apart in life, how fragile everything is when you chose a life that is uncommitted and supposedly free. Which begs the question: when are you really free? And when are you ever, ever secure? I think free and unattached are two completely different things. I need to get that mixture of laissez-faire, trust in the universe and self-assurance before I go down in flames here. Turns out, it needs more of an effort than shopping for a new look.
But I came all the way out here to fight a battle for someone I had already lost. And now I have to somehow make the best of it. Which is not fair. But giving up is so utterly un-American.
But you cannot plan to be happy. I could not have guesses that. And you cannot rely on other people to make you happy. I could not have guessed that either.
I mean people can generally get along when they just communicate. That can be comical. I hope things will be comical again, I’d hate to lose my humor. There are worse places to be stranded in than Los Angeles. But if I turn into a “born again Christian”, please just shoot me.
Directed by: Adam McKay
Written by: Adam McKay, Chris Henchy
Starring: Will Ferrell, Mark Wahlberg, Samuel L. Jackson, Dwayne Johnson, Michael Keaton
Release dates:
August 6th 2010, USA
September 2nd 2010, UK
October 14th 2010, Germany
Filed under: Movie Reviews
Things could be worse. I could be 17 and living in the Ozarks. I could have a mentally ill mother and two barely teenage siblings to take care of. My father could be running a methamphetamine lab. And he could have skipped bail and put the house, that his family that he doesn’t care about, lives in as bond. And then skip town. And then there is some other stuff with a squirrel and some very butch Lesbians and the Swamp thing. And then there is that thing with the code of silence. People in Missouri seem to take it very seriously.
Hm. I don’t mean to be ungrateful, but I am not exactly loving my life right now. And actually, I could not positively claim that my father isn’t running a meth lab. But at least he refuses to talk to me. And my sister is a nutjob. And I am in kind of a self-imposed silence now. But at least I don’t live in Missouri.
I hate it that I am in this great town all alone. I hate it. It makes me want to go home, pull a blanket over me head and dissolve into molecules. I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a queen of infinite stupidity. This “Eat Pray Poledance” trip has come to an abrupt halt. But I might as well be unhappy here, right? I like the palm trees, the ocean and even the fact that an irritatingly high number of people here talk to traffic lights. Truth is, I have no idea how to be happy. Even here.
Winter’s Bone is Hillbilly noir – will drag you to the floor.
Directed by; Debra Granik
Written by: Debra Granik, Anne Rosellini (screenplay), Daniel Woodrell (novel)
Starring: Jennifer Lawrence, John Hawkes
Release dates:
June 11th 2010, USA
Filed under: Movie Reviews
Let’s face it, other people are a pain in the ass. My family is for example. And other people close to me sure are. But when someone has made the transition from acquaintance to friend and then to extended family, there is really no limit to love and debauchery. But the road is a rocky one.
What I have learned again is (sadly) never to rely on another person’s words, but only on their actions. Because people delude themselves. I do, too. It is what we do.
I have never been big on family. For one, because I like to be alone as much as I can for most of the time. Because this runs in the family, that is also the problem. (I am totally excluding you, mom, you are the best!) So I never really saw family as an option for me, because I simply don’t like to deal with other people and their bullshit. To save you thinking about this: it also doesn’t take you very far in life. Shielding yourself from the world and avoiding contact also results in virtually no growth, grandiose thinking, wrong decisions, Larry David moments in almost all social situations thinkable and definitely a weird vibe.
So when I actually embark on a trip to the outside world and I get a major slap on the wrist, I don’t know what to do. The only thing that I can count on is that I get more neurotic. Which makes things even more difficult. And what I hate is that it makes being alone a bit terrifying.
It is difficult to be honest with yourself. But really, that is what you absolutely have to do. Even if the truth unfolds itself at moments when you accidentally don’t think. My subconscious throws me little hints at the most inopportune of moments like the middle of the night or when I am hanging upside down from a stripper pole.
I never want to hurt anyone. Least of all myself. But you have to want to be close to me to be with me. It is as simple as that. And if that is not the case the search goes on. Or in my case the cocooning goes on.
So be careful who you let into your “circle of trust”. Well, I tried. I really did. I guess I really do want someone in my life who cares about me. If only it wasn’t so f***ing hard.
Alas, I wish you love and happiness. To say it in the words of the great poet formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince: I wish you heaven.
Directed by: Lisa Cholodenko
Written by: Lisa Cholodenko & Stuart Blumberg
Starring: Julianne Moore, Annette Bening, Mark Ruffalo, Mia Wasikowska, Josh Hutcherson, Yaya DaCosta
Release dates:
July 9th 2010, USA (limited)
I wish I was a Russian spy. I’d have bee-stung lips and killer legs and a suitcase full of false identities. I’d pack up and travel to kill someone. That sounds really enticing right now.
When you give others the capacity to hurt you, they go all out. Combine that with Californian flaky-ness and you have the potential for major heart bruising.
A few days ago, I received a “sorry, you’re just not hot, let’s be friends”-mail. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, I had to be the asshole again. Guys never want to be the asshole, they just squirm themselves out of a situation until the other one gets fed up. And that is low. The nerve. Really. Just say “we didn’t click”, don’t insult me.
Much like in “Salt”, the element of surprise is severely over-used.
Angelina, when you have the time, I’d like you to do that thing with the handcuffs in, you know, that scene to someone. I’ll give you directions.
Directed by: Phillip Noyce
Written by: Kurt Wimmer
Starring: Angelina Jolie, Liev Schreiber, Chiwetel Ejiofor, August Diehl
Release dates:
July 23rd 2010, USA
August 20th 2010, UK
August 26th 2010, Germany
Filed under: Movie Reviews
Los Angeles is not a good town to be old in. And it is even worse when you are old and alone. And I definitely don’t recommend it if you are old, alone and depressed. I have not resorted to plastic surgery yet, but I am training those pecks. You know, just in case I have to clock someone.
2010 seems to be the year I let people close to me and they wreak havoc with my life. This is the third time this year this has happened. People just lie to me and then feel sorry for themselves. And then leave cowardly like they were never a part of your life at all. What the f*** is up with that? For me, nothing good can come of trusting others. For some reason.
I am now stranded, granted in a pretty place, with no job, no friends and no money. I cannot go back because my job has been given to my replacement. And I cannot stay here because I can’t get a job here. And no one cares. But really, I don’t want to go back at all. Because that would make me feel like so much more of a failure. Upsettingly, this is not the beginning of a movie. Picture me eating fries and cupcakes all alone in front of the TV. With a view of the Hollywood sign and palm trees out the window and the music of, heck I don’t know, Portishead. Or Tom Waits. Or whatever goes with self-deprecating rage these days.
I have never, ever felt so rejected in my life. Probably something else that Los Angeles brings with it. I don’t think I will be able to get used to that.
I once heard this theory that the more potential for comedy someone has, the equal amount of sadness they are capable of. Everything needs to be in a balance. Truthfully, I am finding it very hard to keep a sense of humor about my life right now.
But there are palm trees.
I’ll drink some Vitamin water to you, Joan. You were able to pick yourself up. Can you tell me how to do that?
Directed by: Ricki Stern, Anne Sundberg
Starring: Joan Rivers, Melissa Rivers, Kathy Griffin
Release dates:
June 11th 2010, USA (limited)
Filed under: Movie Reviews
Love is a curious thing. Makes a-one man weep, makes another man sing. And yet another man, Scott Pilgrim, break out into an arcade game style showdown with his ladylove’s 7 evil exes. Go figure.
Scott Pilgrim must defeat all of this moodring-haired rollerblading delivery chick’s seven evil exes to win her heart. But when you think about it, the analogy is not as far-fetched as you’d think. Because flinging yourself through other people’s baggage is very much like en epic battle, you know an epic battle of epic epicness. I shudder to think what men have to go through when they try to get close to me. I pretty much need to be clubbed over the head, otherwise I won’t even realize when someone likes me. And it is not as romcom cute as you’d think. More zombie horror to be exact.
Because truthfully the older you get, the more of a freak you become. I realized that when I stood in line for the special screening of this movie at the Arclight. Yes, in case you are unaware, the comet has moved to Hollywood. At least for the summer. And how sweet is it that I get sneak previews here as well?
I was the oldest person in line, even older than my date. Only blissfully ignorant tweens that can still hurl themselves into life and love, so much neuroses and heartache still ahead for them. They are probably “between jobs”, play in some “band”, they still fit into “single-digit sizes” and still have a chance of “finding themselves” without seeming desperate or lost. I am beyond quotation marks. Yet I would not want to be in my twenties again. I still haven’t figured out where I am going, and some mistakes I just would not want to go through again. Thank you very much. Although being that old gets me that much closer to “game over”, or the alternative to “You Are Dead!” in games that are not Resident Evil.
“Scott Pilgrim vs. the Wold” is highly inventive, even though a bit too much for my 30something disposition. Ok, I am just to old for this movie. It is like taking Ritalin, which does not have a reverse effect when you are old and slow.
But for anyone male and under 30, it will evoke nerd-gasms all over the world.
Directed by: Edgar Wright
Written by: Michael Bacall & Edgar Wright (screenplay), Bryan Lee O’Malley (Oni Press graphic novels)
Starring: Michael Cera, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Kieran Culkin, Jason Schwartzman, Anna Kendrick
Release dates:
August 13th 2010, USA
August 25th 2010, UK
January 6th 2011, Germany
Filed under: Movie Reviews | Tags: Ellen Page, Inception, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ken Watanabe, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Berenger, Tom Hardy
There are some movies that are fun, but forgettable. There are movies that make you think for a second and maybe even give you a nightmare. And then there are movies that creep up on you when you least expect it. Inception is just that. It is nothing short of a rockin’ mind****. It is like Jaws for the beams your mind walks on.
When I left the theater I heard murmurs of “God, that was really complicated” and my own hubris got the better of me when I thought: “Interesting script”. But it is as complicated as you allow it to be. And it is as deep as you dare take it. You can watch it and be mildly entertained. But just as the movie suggests, you really don’t have any control over what ends up creeping into the deep dark cabinets of your mind. It is that effect that has millions of people audibly hallucinate Bernhard Herrman’s waspy tune when they close that shower curtain and others looking for white fins when they dip their toes in the still waters of a friendly lake.
I’ll explain further: I’m sure everyone on this planet has had one of those deja vu moments. That “I have been here before, I have done this before and I can remember it be somewhat important”-moment, that last for about a second and usually passes without further thought. Well, yesterday, during such a usually harmless mental stroll, I ended up questioning my own reality, asking myself what level of consciousness I was currently on and whether I was stuck in some kind of mind loop that made me repeatedly experience this for my own advancement. And that Mr Nolan, is quite an accomplishment. I am not usually schizophrenic.
Congratulations, from now on I’ll be calling those Inception moments.
I can only tell you to keep an open mind about this movie and see where it will take you. And the next time you jerk awake that split second before you go to sleep, Christopher Nolan will probably be on your mind.
Thanks.
Directed by: Christopher Nolan
Written by: Christopher Nolan
Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Ellen Page, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Tom Hardy, Ken Watanabe, Tom Berenger
Release dates:
July 16th 2010, USA
July 16th 2010, UK
July 29th 2010, Germany
Filed under: Movie Reviews | Tags: Chris Noth, Cynthia Nixon, John Corbett, Kim Cattrall, Kristin Davis, Liza Minelli, Sarah Jessica Parker, Sex and the City 2
This is a tricky one. I loved the series and liked the first movie. And a lot has been written about number 2: Gloatingly bad reviews, gleeful crusades and 140 character haikus of casual movie harakiri.
So I will make this brief.
Sex and the City 2 is quite possibly the deepest and most accurate commentary on the role of the modern woman in the 21st century. Mind you this is year 10 of it. But it is that – and I am only entertaining the possibility it is – utterly by mistake. And I am sorry for any woman who thinks this is a “layered” or “deep” or “thoughtful” movie. It is like a beat up semi-beheaded Barbie doll savaged by a confused gay boy and clumsily mended with faded sequins.
Sex and the City has become a caricature of itself. Granted, there are entertaining parts. Kim Cattrall is something of a saving grace. And I would have gladly watched hundreds of carefully put together outfits parading in front of me, that will dictate what I will be wearing for the next year, if it wasn’t for the glory that once was Sex and the City. I like the humor and can even appreciate the fantasy. But SatC lavishly borrows from its great past without delivering any hope for the future.
After seeing this movie my love for the concept of SatC is tarnished, like finding out that the man you date is gay or the handbag you bought is a rip-off. And I am being this harsh, because I love everything SatC was and I am thankful for everything it gave me for the decade that it was around.
The movie feels like one ginormous trailer that leaves you wanting for the good parts. There is not one honest piece of conversation in it, nothing you can relate to as a grown-up woman. Although one scene almost manages that, but only with the excuse of alcohol and designer gown eye candy to occupy the mind. Just reintroducing characters with a baggage of what they once were is not a movie.
I’d like to think that my life is about more than just changing outfits and begging for attention.
Glorified Barbie dolls do not a movie make.
This hurts.
Directed by: Michael Patrick King
Written by: Michael Patrick King
Starring: Sarah Jessica Parker, Cynthia Nixon, Kim Cattrall, Kristin Davis, Chris Noth, John Corbett, Liza Minelli
Release dates:
May 27th 2010, USA
May 28th 2010, UK
May 27th 2010, Germany
Filed under: Movie Reviews | Tags: Alice Braga, Carice van Houten, Forst Whitaker, Jude Law, Liev Schreiber, Miguel Sapochnik, Repo Men, RZA
“Hello sir, we want your liver” – “But I am using it”.
Yesterday’s Sneak Preview started on a different note when I passed two confused 20something nerds, one helplessly trying to recall the plot of last week’s surprise movie “The Back-up Plan” to the other. I nonchalantly had to pretend to tie my nonexistent shoelace, it was riveting. Cumbersome words floated through the air like drunk, fat doves before the conversation swiftly shifted to Danny Trejo in “Machete”.
“Repo Men” paints an interesting and simultaneously blood-splattered picture of the not-so-far future. Humans have improved their lives with highly sophisticated mechanical organs, manufactured by a company called “The Union”, granting second chances to humans everywhere at a steep price. However, defaulting on a loan might result in having to return said life saver. This is where the Repo Men come in, slicing barely numbed debtors to extract livers, kidneys and hearts. The Union’s finest Remy (Jude Law) does his job with gusto, preferably to the tune of “Sway” by Perez Prado feat. Rosemary Clooney. His best friend Jake (Forest Whitaker) is even cruder in his approach that a job is a job.
When Remy suffers a cardiac arrest during an assignment, he wakes up to an “artiforg” in his chest and a huge debt to “The Union” on his life. Suffering from something of a PTSD, his heart is no longer in the job. His former boss Frank (Liev Schreiber) sends Jake to hunt him down.
Can this be where the economy is taking us? A world where “fake” may refer to your organs and the government turns a blind eye? Much like Remy during organ extraction, the movie sometimes blatantly fails to hit the mark. “Repo Men” proposes some interesting moral questions, but fails the answer them really. It resorts to mere tickling, sarcasm and morality lacking sidekicks, throwing smoke bombs with fight scenes and admittedly cute soundtrack choices. The movie probably could have been worse with lesser actors, especially Liev Schreiber who is an excellent moral defunct. But ultimately the plot drowns in artistic self adulation. There is tons of gore and one slightly off semi-erotic scene where Remy and a lounge singer get under each other’s skin literally, with a scanner to trick the system. Textbook for torture porn. Admittedly, it had an interesting ending that kind of saved it for me.
I am convinced that the basis for this movie and/or novel is the organ donor sketch by none other than “Monty Pyton“. “Hello sir, we want your liver” – “But I am using it”.
Involuntary humor is never a good thing.
Directed by: Miguel Sapochnik
Written by: Eric Garcia & Garrett Lerner (screenplay), Eric Garcia (novel “The Repossession Mambo”)
Starring: Jude Law, Forst Whitaker, Liev Schreiber, Carice van Houten, RZA, Alice Braga
Release Dates:
March 19th 2010, USA
April 16th 2010, UK
June 3rd 2010, Germany
Everything you never wanted to know about child-bearing and never wanted to ask
After 4 strongly gay themed movies (A Single Man, Dorian Gray, I love you Philip Morris and Cop out – yes, no one can deny its homoerotic subtext) at the Sneak Preview, our patience was put to yet another test. There was an audible sigh when the title came on and immediately people started to leave. After all, this is an audience of avid movie watchers and even geeks. I decided to stick it out because sometimes it is best to learn from someone else’s mistakes.
The first question that thrust itself upon my open mind was the following: How dumb do studios think movie goers are? I have seem my fair share of romcoms, but this one takes the placenta. The story goes like this: Zoe (Jennifer Lopez) is a girl with a biological clock so big, Harold Lloyd is hanging off the minute hand. She gets inseminated. On the way from the doctor’s appointment, she gets into a cab in the rain. In the very unmotivated rain. And there is a guy getting into the cab as well. They fight over the cab. Guess where this is going…
She is pregnant and has just met the guy of her dreams. Can they work it out, you ask? They meet again and she declines his cheese. This sentence is so much more interesting than anything that followed in the movie.
It just takes more than syrupy dialogue, big-eyed dogs and cute dresses wrapped in lame clichés to make a movie. Babies are cute and strollers are big. Jennifer Lopez seemed to have a “no tongue kissing” clause in her contract. It didn’t help the chemistry with Alex O’Loughlin. Who was admittedly very cute. But another male romcom character that bordered on sci-fi. No man in the history of human communication has ever uttered words like that. Nor will it ever happen.
There is a lot of gratuitous faux soul-searching by means of internal dialogue soundtracked to Lopez’ face. The guy takes his shirt off. Lopez fakes an orgasm. She wears really high heels and some poor wardrobe person was put in charge making her boobs grow bigger. And she eats a lot whilst having a pregnant glow. In the end, everyone learns a lesson. I am not sure what exactly that lesson was, but I am sure 13 year olds can figure it out.
For me, the really disconcerting thing about this movie are all the references to childbearing, including what I guess was supposed to be a “natural birth” scene. I think it was supposed to be funny. I don’t have children, but nothing mentioned in this movie was news to me. But the guys around me has big puffy comic clouds with question marks over their heads from time to time. I had to laugh every time I heard a baritone “Huh?” I have to entertain myself. I shouldn’t have to, but what’s a gal to do.
If I can say anything about this movie: do not under any circumstances see this on a first date. Especially when you want to get laid. It will be a disaster.
But it might steal awards in the category “Sci-fi Horror”.
Directed by: Alan Poul
Written by: Kate Angelo
Starring: Jennifer Lopez
Release Dates:
April 23rd 2010, USA
May 7th 2010, UK
May 13th 2010, Germany
Filed under: Movie Reviews | Tags: Ewan McGregor, Glenn Ficarra, I love you Phillip Morris, Jim Carrey, John Requa, Leslie Mann
Enough romance, let’s f***
But it isn’t that simple, is it? I love you Phillip Morris is not just a “gay” movie. Yes, it is sort of a culmination of every gay movie ever made with a petite side order of Dumb and Dumber. Yes, it is about the relationship of two men. Yes, it pleasures itself excitedly with every gay cliché that the uninitiated could expect from it. But it is in effect a pretty unique story, based on the real life events of con artist, impostor, and multiple prison escapee Steven Jay Russell.
Steven Russel (played by Jim Carrey) is a good Texan/Christian, a steadfast police man and a devoted father. He makes half-dressed jackrabbit love to his curly wife Debbie (Leslie Mann) after they give thanks at night to the Lord for their blessings. Then Steven Russel has a car accident and vows to live his true self.
The joyful proclamation “I’m gay!” comes as a bit of a shock for the flustered Debbie. “You are what?”
Steven moves to Miami and becomes a con man to afford his new boytoy and adjacent colorful lifestyle. He is pretty resourceful. But the law finally catches up with him and he is sent to prison, where he instantly falls for Phillip Morris (Ewan McGregor), a blue-eyed southern belle, if I have ever seen one.
The two become inseparable until Steven is transferred to another prison. Steven moves heaven and earth to be with his soul mate, including breaking out of jail multiple times, impersonating Phillip’s lawyer and becoming the CFO of a major corporation.
Essentially the relationship in this movie doesn’t differ that much from a heterosexual one. Ok, aside from the meeting in the prison and the southern-accented embezzlement. But a movie about self-deprecating women marrying serial killers in prison would not be that much fun.
What is so bad about the concept of falling in love with another person’s soul and not necessarily their gender? Love is universal, people.
I love you Phillip Morris is crude, fast-paced, but also has a dramatic side to it. Towards the end it is getting strangely heavy. It is like a gay themed Judd Apatow movie, but it doesn’t seem to dance as well on the brink. It lambadas over the line and back. And then it becomes a dying swan.
But this movie is also a testament of how great an actor Jim Carrey really is. One gets a sense that he doesn’t want to please anyone with this. Pleasure maybe, but not please. And Ewan McGregor proves that his range is a split worthy of Nadia Comăneci, stretching from Down with Love‘s Catcher Block to Jean Smart in Designing Women.
The movie reportedly has difficulties finding a distributor in the States. This might be a case of the usual cry of outrage by people projecting their own fears despite never even having seen it. But my guess is that it will be difficult to find an audience for it. It is intelligent. And it is funny. But it is not a date movie. And I think that heterosexual men won’t flock to it. And I surveyed the gays. One reportedly fell asleep during the preview and the others are not even interested in seeing it. Go figure.
There are worse ways to spend a late night than watching Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor make out. Although I fear that the movie buffs at the weekly Sneak Preview (mostly nerds in their 20s) are slowly losing patience, with this being the third gay-themed movie in a row. This is number three after A Single Man and Dorian Grey. I fear they can only swing this with showing Hot Tub Time Machine next week.
We’ll see.
Directed by: Glenn Ficarra, John Requa
Written by: John Rqua & Glenn Ficarra, Steve McVicker (book)
Starring: Jim Carrey, Ewan McGregor, Leslie Mann
Release dates:
tba, USA
March 17th 2010, UK
April 29th 2010, Germany
Filed under: Movie Reviews | Tags: Date Night, James Franco, Marc Wahlberg, Mark Ruffalo, Mila Kunis, Steve Carell, Tina Fey
Pecks and Pole Dance
It is kind of ironic that I had to see a movie called “Date Night” all by myself. Actually, I was the only person in the theater. No one here knows who Tina Fey and Steve Carell are, or what a date night is. Ask someone here what a date is and they tell you it’s fruit.
Right before the lights went down, a strange older man in a long black coat with a weirdly shaped fedora came in. He smelled of sulfur and made all sorts of guttural noises when he sat down in the last row, at a safe distance. His joints crackled like fire. Is the universe trying to tell me something?
“Date Night” isn’t exactly a new concept, a tale of mistaken identity. A bored married couple (Fey and Carell) attempt a romantic evening, which then turns into a disaster, complete with guns ablazing, martial conflict and moronically mundane dialogue. The movie relies heavily on the comedic genius of its lead actors. One cannot help but think that watching Carell and Fey on a night at the improv might have made this story really funny. And not even a pole dance or Mark Wahlberg’s pecks proved reconciliatory. That is a shame. Sadly, Tina Fey’s persona doesn’t really translate to the big screen. And there end the similarities with Jennifer Aniston.
Still, thank you Tina Fey, for giving slightly nerdy girls like me an edge. I will remain a faithful viewer of 30Rock and wear my dark-rimmed glasses with pride.
The dark man actually left about halfway during the movie. He missed the pole dance scene. Hm. He might have liked it. But I am sure there is all kinds of debauchery going on where he comes from.
Directed by: Shawn Levy
Written by: Josh Klausner
Starring: Tina Fey, Steve Carell, Marc Wahlberg, Mark Ruffalo, Mila Kunis, James Franco
Release dates:
April 9th 2010, USA
April 21st 2010, UK
April 15th 2010, Germany
Filed under: Movie Reviews | Tags: Adam Brody, Bruce Willis, Cop Out, Jason Lee, Kevin Pollack, Kevin Smith, Seann William Scott, Tracy Morgan
A couple of Dicks
I guess the things that are to be learned from this movie are only remotely connected to it. Anyone who has followed the recent s***storm that director Kevin Smith was involved in (Kevin vs. Southwest Airlines & Kevin vs. film critics everywhere), has to wonder whether communication has really changed for the better in the times of Twitter. After all, 90% of communication is non-verbal. Or used to be. And anyone who can make an actual point in 140 characters or less is a hero in my book. The potential for transference is humongous, it’s a Freudian nightmare fest. I was recently in a situation that might have been resolved fairly quickly with an inquisitive phone call along the lines of “Hey, I might be wrong, but that recent statement of yours gives the impression that you are taking credit for other people’s efforts and you must think I am really dumb if I let you get away with it“. Instead, I lashed out via mail far less eloquently. And was stone-walled as a result, by people who I thought were my friends. S*** happens. But there is that nagging thought that things might have turned out differently if I’d had an actual conversation. On the other hand, if people let you down that easily, chances are, they never were your friends to begin with.
So is Kevin Smith is really such a sore loser? Or is he unhappy in his own skin and possibly knows he could have reacted differently on the spot while being put on the spot. I really don’t know. All I know that the Internet never forgets a lapse in judgement. Kevin Smith has his own blog SilentBobSpeaks, where he discusses these matters at length. Doesn’t anyone just see movies any more, sans the drama? Can’t we all just get along?
The original title “A couple of dicks” is a pun, with “dick” being 1940s slang for “detective,” certainly a more fitting title. Bruce Willis plays a long-serving NYPD cop. When his only hope for paying for his daughter’s wedding (a valuable baseball card) is stolen, he recruits his partner (Tracy Morgan) to find the thief. It had all the ingredients to be a good one. There are some really funny lines, but let’s face it, the movie is pretty juvenile. Frankly, I expected it to be much worse. It was bashed to pieces by most critics. I can take the occasional toilet humor and Tracy Morgan and Bruce Willis are quite the pair to deliver below the belt. Kevin Smith’s trademark trivia conversations work well with them. The music is great, I am sure they had to pay a ton of money for royalties. And another point that seems to be undermade is that Kevin Smith is actually evolving as a director. It is a fun movie, but it is also not reinventing anything nor does it try to. Now that would have been interesting.
I think I will watch “Dogma” again for Easter. (An excellent article on “Dogma” can be found at Thisdistractedglobe.com, a highly recommended site)
Directed by: Kevin Smith
Written by: Robb Cullen & Mark Cullen
Starring: Bruce Willis, Tracy Morgan, Kevin Pollack, Adam Brody, Seann William Scott, Jason Lee
Release dates:
February 26th 2010, USA
April 16th 2010, UK
April 15th 2010, Germany
